Twelve months ago I dreamed of a ‘year of jubilee’…a year of jumping into my bucket list…a year of renewal.  Let me just tell you… 50 almost kicked my butt!

As this year has passed, I have felt old.  Felt the weight of constant pain, and the discouragement that pain can bring.  Me, the happy, perky person…has found times that I’ve come close to being swallowed in a deep, dark place of hopelessness.  Hate to say it, but fifty was tough.  My hope is that it has not been that way for all of you, that 50 was all that you dreamed it could be.

But, as I look back (in just a few days I’m on to a new number!) do you know what comes to mind?  I’m flooded with memories of smiles and laughter from family and friends.  Of giggles from the grandkids as they bounced on the trampoline or opened Christmas gifts.  Of laughing from the bottom of my toes as Bella attempted to steer her new Barbie Jeep (she loved reverse!).  Of birthday parties and days at the lake.  I remember the wind in my face and the smile on My Big Boy’s as we boated on the river.  And laughter when we visited Niagara Falls and made an unexpected trip to Canada (did I tell you that one!).

Especially I remember the love I felt as my family cared for me.  A husband who gave up much without a complaint when I couldn’t go or couldn’t do, who took time off to drive me and set with me through countless Dr.’s apts.    A daughter and a sister who graciously opened their homes while I was finding a new place to land.

I’ll have to admit, there were times when I wasn’t a whole lot of fun this year.  And what did I learn in my 50th year?   That love has a language that says, “I will take care of you”.  And that made my 50th year all worthwhile.

I am loved…and I am on to fifty-one!  Hope you come with me!

I’ve spent my life disappointed. Every night when I lay my head on my pillow, or every morning while I sit in my chair praying…I feel disappointed…in myself.

Not so much in others and their actions, but in myself. Disappointed in my response to others actions, disappointed in my unforgiveness, disappointed in my wrong choices, disappointed in my disobedience.  “Why can’t I be more, Lord?”  “More loving, more forgiving, more understanding, more compassionate?”  “Is this all that I can be?  A disappointment to you?”

And then it comes to me…”Have you truly accepted my forgiveness?”  “I gave my son for you.”  “I love you that much.”  “He was pierced on the cross, that you would be forgiven.”  “He took on your sin.  Your disappointments.”  “Each day is new for you.”  “All I ask is that you believe.”

“You are not a disappointment to me.”

And now I know…that each night and each morning, He loves me…where I am, who I am, what I’ve done…He loves me.  He loves all that I am right now…

And all that I can be.

Blessings to you…

But today, as I pulled up FB, something hit me. Have you noticed on the right hand side of the page the tab…People You May Know?  Today, I hit the tab. Never know who I may find. What came to me was this…

There were pages and pages of people I knew. People I went to school with, people I grew up with, people I went to church with, people I saw in the grocery store or post office most every day, people I sat at ballgames with, kids that had been in my home over and over who were all grown up,  customers from where I worked…the list went on and on.

This isn’t about numbers…how many Facebook friends can I get?  This is about actions and me.  Why were these people not my Facebook friends?  How many chances did I miss to really make a friend?  How many chances did I miss to really “care” about another?  How many opportunities did I miss to go beyond superficial and really pay attention to someone?  How many times did I have a chance to “be God’s hands”, and I let it pass me by?

It kind of made me sad, and a little disappointed in myself.

I pray for a family that feel the walls crumbling around them, all they have worked towards for years is in question. In these times of economic instability even those who have worked hard are at risk of losing it all.

I pray for a friend whose family relationships have unraveled. She thought they never would. She thought that her babies would always be her babies. But they’ve grown up, and are making their own decisions.

I pray for one with a marriage that is difficult. I pray that she not give up who she is, or who God wants her to be. I pray that through difficulty she will grow closer to Him.

I pray for my single friend. That she can see past the loneliness, and grab hold of all the opportunities God has for her. And that God would bring her a soul mate.

In all these prayers, it comes to me….”All I Can Do Is My Best”.
My hope is that each person will feel that and know….

God will do the rest.

It’s so not easy, Lord. When you lead me to “bite my tongue”, or “change my thoughts from negative to positive”. I need you. I need you to tell me over and over.

Thank you for not giving up on me. For loving me, faults and all. For having a ‘perfect plan’ for no-so-perfect me. I cling to the truth that even when I try and fail, you can bring blessing out of it.

Father, I want to be all that you created me for. Guide me today, I pray.

As I drove I-70, I drank in the miles and miles of flat land. The pastures and farmland, blanketed in snow. I could see the horizon. I could see the sunrise and sunset. And the stars, there’s no place like Kansas to gaze at the heavens.

I’ve often heard those that don’t live in Kansas complain about flat roads and nothing to see.  Oh my, what I can see on those flat roads.

I love the sight of farm elevators in the distance, tall towers of white reaching into the sky.  Most usually a blue sky full of billowing clouds.  If you really, really want to love Kansas…take some time on a warm afternoon, lay back in your car seat or on the grass and watch the clouds.  I see faces, I see animals, I see castles, I see God.

I love the sight of miles and miles of electric poles spreading out before me.  One after another they form the most beautiful line of crosses far into the distance. 

I love pastures planted in crops or prairie grass, each section of fence in a perfect square grid for miles and miles.   Green fields of winter wheat, when all else is brown and dormant.    I love white chalk roads that lay before me leading far away into the horizon.

Kansas is quiet.  Kansas is simple. Kansas is friendly.  Kansas is peaceful.  And Kansan’s know how to enjoy the small things.

Gotta share ‘Home on the Range’ like you’ve never heard it before:

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Just to catch you up.  My Big Boy and I have left Pennsylvania and he’s kind of all over the place.  Greeley, Co…Cheyenne, Wy…Nd…Ut…Ok…and occasionally, Ks.  I’m in a waiting place.

Have you ever been there?  Not sure just where God has me?  I’ve given God a deadline. (which makes me laugh….hasn’t worked so much for me in the past!).  We do have a plan, but while I’m waiting to see if my plan is God’s plan, I’m enjoying my gift.  Grammy time!!!

These are the kind of moments I’ll hold in my heart forever from this ‘waiting place’

Me…”Isabella, what do you want to be when you grow up?”  “A nurse?”

Bella, “No”.  “A teacher?”  “No”.  “A mommy?”  “No”.  “A fireman?”  “No.”

“So, just what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Bella, “A grammy”!

Be still my heart…I am soooo in love!

I watch her play Barbies by herself, I watch her put puzzles together by herself, I watch her watch movies by herself. And every day I hear her ask to go play with the neighbor.

Today she realized that there are two little girls playing over the back fence. So Bella stands atop her Barbie Jeep, nose pressed against the fence, watching every move they make and wishing….wishing that the other side of the fence wasn’t so far away.  (Is about more than this Grammies heart can take!)

And I begin to think about the “other side” of my fence.  How many times have I imagined some great idea…an antique shop, a faithbling jewelry business, a blog with photos and graphics, a support network for single moms, a toilet that plays music (okay that’s a bit far out there…but really a good idea!).  I press my nose up against the fence, dream about it, consider it, imagine what it’s like on the other side…and then stop.  What makes me stop…fear?  lack of faith in myself?  laziness?

I’m not sure.  But at 49andcounting, it’s time to change.  I’m finding a way around that fence.  I’m putting an idea or two into action.  I’m going to believe in myself…and see just what’s on the other side.

(P.S.–Bella has a great mama, and she took the time to take Bella over to the neighbors, introduce themselves, and invite the little girl over to play.)  All is well.

Blessings to you, and as Bella whispered to me…”dreams can come true, Grammy”.

My mother wrote a letter to her father before I was even born telling him that I was “God’s Special Child”. Over the years, she’s reminded me that she has always felt I was “God’s Special Child”. Boy, was that a big order, pretty big shoes to fill. And so many times in my life I’ve chuckled as I’ve prayed and said, “Ok God, any time now…I’m waiting…what’s the ‘special child’ thing going to be?”

I’ll have to admit, I’ve always hoped for the “shazaam” moment. The moment that I know…this is why I’m here. This is the “special child” reason I am here. And, well…as far as I can see, it hasn’t happened. At least not with the fireworks I’d like to see. The burning bush, the sea parting…nope, not quite that special.

But then I think that maybe, one small kindness I’ve done, one small hurt I’ve let go, one small prayer I’ve said, one small nudge I’ve followed…maybe, one of these is my “special” moment. Maybe each of us has a “special child” moment, that only God is big enough to see. That he looks over His world, His plan and he says to Himself….”she is my special child”.

I believe He says those words for each of us. That we are each precious in His sight.  My prayer for 2012 is that I listen for His “still small voice”, that I always seek Him first, that I follow Him with all of my heart, and that I share the love that He has given me.

Praying for each of you as you begin a new year, with new hope, and a new heart knowing you are “God’s Special Child”.

She’s no ‘ holier than thou’, ‘better than the rest’, Christian.  She’s heard every curse word there is (I know she has), and could probably tell a few off-color jokes…but, I don’t ever hear her repeat either.  She’s been known to drink a wine cooler, but I’ve never seen her drunk. Lucy doesn’t try to be anything she’s not, she doean’t dress in designer labels or carry the right purse, she wears what makes her happy.   She fits in just as well with the crowd down at the Lodge as well as an evening Bible Study.

Lucy will do the dirty work.  She’ll march tribes of those unruly children to the church every Wednesday afternoon, because it pleases her so to see them love Jesus.  Or stay late on a Wednesday night picking up the mess after 20 jr highers have pretty much marked their territory on the youth room.  She’ll spend an entire night awake at a lock-in with thirteen year old girls, or teach Sunday school to the entire elementary education department because no one else would volunteer.  She’s been the Christmas program director for a whole lot of years, just about as many as she’s been Vacation Bible School director…no one else would do it…but Lucy does.  You see, Lucy loves Jesus.  And she knows Jesus loves the little children.  I’ve seen her madder than a ole rooster at a few of those children, but the mad didn’t last any longer than it took for compassion to overrule and her tears to flow for their brokenness.  Lucy and I both know she can’t sing a lick…but I’ve seen her lead the children’s choir.   Lucy is love in action.

Lucy has never driven a fancy car.  In fact, she has usually had a junker.  More than half the time I’ve known her, her dryer has been broken and she’s hung laundry on the line or about the house (while raising four children)…but Lucy doesn’t complain.  I don’t even think I’ve even heard her “want” for those things.  She is never jealous or envious of others, she’s always been content with what she has.

My friend, Lucy is like all of us, she was young and crazy once.  She made foolish mistakes.  But I’ve watched Lucy, stay connected to God, stay faithfully in His word, attend church regularly…and, more and more, become like Jesus.  She hasn’t seemed to live the roller coaster faith that a lot of us do, with it mountain tops and lulls…she’s just kept on one step at a time growing stronger in her love for Him.  I see her now, twenty years later, being amazed daily at how He works in and around her.

I believe the first time I met Lucy we learned the Fruits of the Spirit song at Bible School with our kids.  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience and Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Goodness and Self-control.  I think on those fruits…

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